Monday, July 17, 2006

Ultimate Fighting

We were talking about the sport of ultimate fighting at lunch and I came up with a couple of "ultimate" techniques.

The first one I formerly called the "octopus", but now I'm calling it the "jellyfish" because I feel the jellyfish strikes more fear in people, yeah.

What you do is "attach" yourself to your opponent using all four limbs and start squeezing. You may wonder why not call it the "anaconda" or another type of constrictor, but you'd most likely run into a jellyfish than a type of constrictor. But if the opposite is true, where the hell are you living in the U.S.?

Regardless, I call this position the classic "leg humping" position, but without the humping motion. You could do the humping motion, but the sport has had an unfortunate label of being a bit gay, and we don't want to justify those remarks. Anyway, try attaching yourself to your opponents head, preferably. Thats like the "sweet" spot. Once you render his head useless, lets see him try to continue. Next stop: the winners circle......

The other technique, I call the "morning star". Usually its done when you've found yourself in an uncompromising position. What you do is start flailing about uncontrollably. When you're doing that its harder for your opponent to grab a hold of a limb to submit you and it keeps them at bay. If they try to shoot in, they could get a taste of one of four limbs or all four at the same time. Once you connect or even if he's unsure what to do next, its the perfect time to slap on, yeah you know it - the dreaded "jellyfish". Where the only cure is your hand raised in victory ....

There you have it. Winning techniques, yeah.

They haven't actually been tested, but you have to admit the theory behind them is very sound.

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